A Major Paradigm Shift

On December 1st, 1979 I married Karen Stack in a house trailer renter by her sister Kass in Jackson, Wyoming. Probably should have seen the  rocky road ahead when the JP showed up in his painting clothes but after a short ceremony, I was married to her. It was a relationship based on two people rebounding from romances with deep roots which both ended badly but we were friends at least which is probably the reason the marriage lasted as long as it did--32 years.

I had been seeing and courting Barbara, Karen's childhood friend who has recently divorced her husband after he had had a brain aneurism/stroke and that had changed so completely that he had become such a different person that she could no longer stayed married to him. Karen told me later that she had always been jealous of Barb and her material wealth and had been not so much enamored with me but wanted to take me away from Barbara as a kind of conquest. we had become friends because I shared my frustrations and fears with someone I thought could help me to understand her very complex friend and any problems we had encountered as lovers. Big mistake but only to be realized much, much later.

Anyway three years into our marriage we had twin daughters, Jessica and Erin to whom I became totally devoted. Not only did a paternal instinct blossom that I had never known but as a result of Karen's nature, her returning to work fairly quickly, and what I saw as a minimal maternal instinct, I became very maternal as well. My relationship with the girls, I believe is much stronger than than theirs with their mother. The inevitable differences of opinion arose over how best to raise the children and Karen and I had both come from completely dysfunctional families that we had any true idea of what to do with regard to raising children was absurd. The children survived and became strong in spite of their parents.

But almost from the second of their birth Karen displayed a jealousy about my relationship with the girls and as a result a rift began. As the kids grew and issues regarding rules and behaviors became life lessons our differences grew more substantial as did the distance between us emotionally. Our marriage became more and more strained, different bedrooms were established, sensuality died of atrophy.  My illness became a burden for Kare and her resentment of me being in the hospital for long stretches, going onto "disability" created a very large green eyed monster and the resentment began to cut off communication became minimal or reduced to grunts and expletives. when my father died, he left me a house and an ex-"wife" to take care of. I was asked to resign my teaching position, and the kids didn't really need us around anymore. We moved into the house in Texas and the marriage began to decay further. Almost simultaneously Karen was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and she too quit working, her lifetime goal, and we lived off of social security money and my retirement account.

I couldn't stand staying at home and doing virtually nothing and eating two meals a day from fast food restaurants-each of us eating in different rooms. So I started tutoring a few hours a day at a local university. It got me up, using my brain and talent, and it brought in a little "egg Money." Eventually I garnered a part-time teaching position at a different college and this brought out a new jealousy in Karen. She hated this job of mine! She hated that she had to fend for herself for the hours that I was away. Everything was a battle but we never talked about the elephant in the room "du jour." I sought counseling for depression and my marriage. She refused to go because of the cost. All medical expenses were being covered by medicare so the excuse was phoney. She did see a psychiatrist for her sleep aids and she had no problem seeing her rheumatologist. But a psychologist was out of the question and her psychiatrist (one that we had shared but I later abandoned because I felt she has breached our trust when she told Karen things I had said during our sessions.)

Anyway, an epiphany! I began to share my difficulties with an old high school friend and she encouraged me to try to make Karen go to marriage counseling with me but after three years of begging from nearly everyone in her family, she absolutely refused to go. It seemed pointless for only one of us to continue to go alone so thoughts of ending the marriage grew. My high school friend had been through similar situations with her husband and she encouraged me to stay. I didn't. I was also offered a full-time position at school. I grabbed at the chance to be back among the living again.

In April of 2010, I told Karen that I wanted a divorce. June 15th, 2010 the divorce was final and I was alone in my father's house (while it slowly decayed around me) and I didn't feel any of the anger, sadness, or angst that was so prevalent in my life when I was married. I had resigned myself to working the remaining days of my life and dying alone and I was completely OK with it! I felt alone but free and almost alive.

Three years into this monastic life loneliness set in. My tendency not to share my troubles with others but always be available for them has left me without any real friends and stuck in a house that is my second job. As a condition of the divorce I agreed to give Karen half of the profits from its sale. Not so much because she said, " I've earned it by being married to you!" but rather to avoid any lengthy battle to get out of the marriage.

Life begins again and anew. I had been in Austin, Texas for four years and had a pseudo family ( children of a woman who called herself my father's common law wife), many acquaintances, and no clue what was available in Austin to "do." I spent most of my free time for the next three years trying to make my father's house sellable. Mostly just trying to stay ahead of the decay of an older home. Finally, it went on the market and sold! The profits split and all communications ceased with the "ex."

The truly great by-product of our marriage was our daughters. For them I would do anything. Just two day ago Erin, daughter number 2 by 3minutes told me she was pregnant with my second grandchild and I was filled with such great joy, i could hardly contain it. My (our) girls are not without scars from my marriage. But they knew everything was not great in Camelot. I had waited to divorce Karen until the girls were thirty years old and their reactions stunned and devastated me. They reacted as if they were very young and were terribly hurt and confused by the events surrounding the divorce. Most likely because I hold my emotions close to my chest and their mother has always treated them more like they were her friends than her children. She shares everything with them, even if the things she shares are misinterpreted or patently false. Karen's mind had always shown a penchant for over theatricality and grandiose embellishment. My relationship with my girls is not good because I don't call often enough and they live so many miles away. I am dedicated to improving our relationships. The relationship that I have with Jessica is very, very different than the relationship I have with her sister Erin.

This all sets the stage for the next most important paradigm shift. It has been three years since my divorce and I am ready to find some good friends and maybe even find a new Love, if that can happen for someone like me.